Down They Go
Inside the Outdoors, July 20
, 2012

It’s really no laughing matter. On the other hand, I feel I have to roll with the punches as they saying goes. So when I started getting remarks from others concerning my bay window, I had to come up with a reply of sorts to counteract their statements.

For a good period of time now, I have been telling people I have been carrying twins. My best friend, Jack (not his real name) stepped up to the plate and decided to call them Leo and Paulette. So, now I could proudly say I had twins, one of each sex. As to where they were in terms of which phase was unclear, for this was my first pregnancy and I sure wasn’t used to carrying around all this weight.

One thing became very clear to me. My “offspring” apparently were being well-fed, enclosed in quarters that really didn’t allow much movement, and I’m sure, looking forward to seeing the world on the outside, should they ever get to that point.

There was one unforeseen problem that, I’m sure, they didn’t expect. Their plumpness would slowly diminish in size, and down they’d go.

One has to figure that whenever a female is in the motherly way, there are certain signs they can expect and know what just may be on the way. But in my case, you can be sure that I had no clue just what was around the corner. Every little discomfort was significant to me. They all led to one conclusion. I had to take another road and take on a challenge of causing the children to diminish in size.

Of course, first I have to express my condolences to both Leo and Paulette. Sure, it will be hard on them. It can’t be easy getting that shrinking feeling, watching part of their anatomies disappear.

And all of this attention is going to the kids. What about me? I love children with a passion. There is nothing like taking them to Legion Keener Park, watching fireworks with them or treating them to an ice cream cone once in a while in the summer time.

I can hear someone saying right now – “Pee Vee, get a grip, would you?” Had to, what else could I do?

Well, I joined Weight Watchers. And guess what? This 68 year-old geezer has already lost 12 pounds.

This was the first remark I got from a woman I met in the pharmacy I attend. “Oh, you are eating too much and you have to start cutting back.” Believe it or not, almost everybody else said the same thing. I even kind of had that feeling, too. I say kind of because by physician told me I ate better than any of his patients. If that was the case, how did Leo and Paulette come into full bloom? I was confused, to say the least.

I was literally blown away when I was told by the leader at my first meeting that I wasn’t eating enough and that my body was detecting starvation on my part and maintaining and storing my fat. My twins were “fatty little devils.” The nerve of them.

When a member of my family said she could tell that there was a difference just by looking at me, that gave me mixed emotions. I smiled on the outside, for I knew I finally was eating pretty much as I should, but feeling a little bad for the kids.

Now I know, I should put them out of my mind, but I can’t. You see, as long as I have the battle of the bulge which is visible, particularly from a side angle, there are going to be those thoughts of little kiddies hanging in there as live babies, individual little persons. I have to wonder how they are “holding up” under such diverse circumstances

The real battle for me seems to be eating more, with a protein at every meal, lots of veggies, some fruits and some carbs. Since Weight Watchers is set up on a point basis, I can almost double what I have been eating, cutting out, of course, the foods that carry high sugar content, salt and simple carbohydrates. Reaching 26 points may sound like a snap to some folks, but I’ve always felt full at 16. It was over a month ago, I learned how to better my lifestyle. That included upping my exercise. I started walking more, daily.

And to think there was a time when I was a member of a police department in Ohio, and the sergeant couldn’t find a belt small enough to suspend my gun. If he were to see me now. Oh, you just wait, Sgt. Swain. A new Pee Vee is on the horizon


- Paul J. Volkmann
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