Just One More
Off The Wall, October 07
, 2011

So there I was, walking at a slower pace than usual, lugging groceries home from the supermarket. I was meditating on what others may classify as normal thinking. Just then, one of my tributaries in my brain waves went astray and I veered off course. What popped into my mind was this – “Wouldn’t it be great to have one more hand?”

Now, I realize an arm would have to be attached to that additional hand, and I sure hoped that would be the plan, for a hand sticking out from any place on my body would not only look bizarre, but would be less functional, I would think.

When carrying home groceries, eight or nine blocks, for example, they do become a little heavier, those who walk will attest to that fact. So, what is done normally is to create a balancing act, so equal weight would be distributed.

But now think of this. Wouldn’t a third hand contribute so much more? I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would not be risking a shoulder injury as may have happened shortly after carting all those edibles. If so, sharp pain would develop in my left joint, and all that seemed to go through my mind would be, “What did I do to deserve this?” Then it hit me – buy too many groceries and lug them to my Ligonier Street dwelling place.

Oh, but if I had a third hand, surely it couldn’t suspend from the upper torso, because my arms have authority over that area. So, wherever “the new edition” would come from, I’m sure God would arrange for it to appear at a very appropriate place, particularly for grocery transportation, or maybe carrying The Latrobe Bulletin, so it wouldn’t get all messy if it was placed in one of those bags pressed up against the wet lettuce or beat greens.

You can count out the idea of having three feet. I can’t see that working at all. Heck, it’s hard enough to walk with two, especially if the barometric pressure has me in its grips, causing light-headedness. In that case, it wouldn’t be uncommon to watch me stagger all over the street. I guess the cops are on to my situation, because none of our finest of our city has picked me up for drunk and disorderly conduct.

The third foot would have to come from the same place from where either leg originates. You know, thinking about it, if it protruded from my posterior, then the foot could point in the opposite direction giving me a leaning post. No one could say, “You didn’t have a leg to stand on,” because I would. Might look a little silly, but most things do when we aren’t used to looking at them.

I always felt that when I walk, I do so with one foot and the other following to hold me up. Well now, I would have two legs to hold me up, kind of an insurance appendage that would keep me as an upstanding individual, something that would make me happy.

I can just hear it – “Your left foot doesn’t know where your right foot is going…” I like to think both are going forward as opposed to sideways or backwards.

And how would one dress? Women would have it made. Dresses would cover all three legs. No big deal there. But guys, oh my gosh. Pants would have to be custom-made and then worn interchangeably, rotated to the right or left until dirty. Which leg would you slip in first, second or third? Hard to imagine, pulling the third pant leg up first, but I guess it can be done with a little practice.

Moving right along, I think it would really great having three eyes, two in the front and one on the back of the head, centrally located somewhere. The only problem with that, which immediately comes to mind, is allergy season. It’s hard enough with dealing with two itchy eyes. One more would be a hindrance. Other than that, I could see how it would be definitely a blessing.

Here I am walking down the street when two of my friends, Vinnie and Joe, call out to me from Lehmer St. Seeing who they are with my “hindsight,” I respond, acknowledging I heard them call out to me. I didn’t have to turn around, stretching my neck muscles or acting somewhat confused. How cool is that? I could see people coming from behind, either on foot or by motor vehicles. Having one more eye just may save my life.

No more of eyewitnesses exclaiming, “Hey man, that was a close call you had there. You must have eyes on the back of your head.” Maybe not two, but one. Every one helps, you know.

I think God knew what He was doing when He made us the way He did. If He wanted me to have one more hand or leg, He would have created a spot for it. As for the eye on the back of the head, in the winter, it would be covered up most the time. Talk about itch!

- Paul J. Volkmann
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