Really Now?
Off the Wall, Sept
25, 2013

When we were children, often times we picked up small books that began their texts, “Once upon a time…” I can say the same for here, for “Once upon a time” I wrote a column as a result of seeing a sign posted outside a business. It read, “Yes we can…” That prompted my mind into a Pee Vee thought mood that ended up with comical outcomes.

Recently, I came upon another that frazzle-dazzled me resulting in another twist of sorts. I began trying to work out just how I could follow through as the sign suggested. I burst out laughing several times. That meant only one thing. Here was definitely something that still makes me smile. My thoughts – if it did for me, maybe others may find a bit of humor in it, too.

Here was what was posted on the front of a doorway – “To access, enter through the intercom.” I know what the person meant, but there is another side of this which touched my funny bone as well. When that happens, who knows what may come of it.

So I began to plan on accessing through those little holes. Since I only saw the sign and not the machine itself, I didn’t know whether or not I would have to slide along a round or square opening. That makes a lot of difference, you know. The next bit of strategy consisted of whether to insert my arms first, pointing them forward, palming my hands together similar to one diving into a swimming pool or leaving them open to hopefully push open the doors that served as weather protectors.

Another approach would be to stick my head in somehow. Since the holes are so small, two things crossed my mind. First of all, the parties who agreed to post this sign either didn’t want anyone to disturb them, making the whole ordeal impossibility or didn’t think through how someone of any intellectual level could fit into those little holes. Now, if they were made as big as a locker, for example, then there was plausibility for entry.

Then it occurred to me, if I stuck my bottom against the holes, maybe the instrument had a sucking device that would operate with such force that I would be pulled to the metal gates and released once I got inside. “I hope there is a container full of Styrofoam peanuts waiting for me upon entry.” That would prevent severe bruising.

Two more thoughts ran through my mind. First, I know one or some of the individuals will want to know who is being sucked through those holes. So, there must be a button I have to push to not only announce my presence that I would like to enter. I hope this object where I place my forefinger is not also round with little holes in it. Can’t you just imagine me placing my bottom on the wrong metal casing? What a revolting dilemma that will be for the people on the inside! They may think a fire alarm is going off and fire trucks from all the companies including the ladder truck would respond to this place of business. Second, how do they know who I say I am? I can only surmise there is a camera that is following my every move. I not only have to be on my best behavior or I won’t get sucked into their little holes. That’s food for thought right there.

After going through all this, I better carry with me in a concealed pocket all I have to state, because I may forget just what I had on my mind having to go through this gobbley-gook. I also better pack some kind of grooming kit. Believe me, I don’t want these people to think I always look disheveled. Attention all women. Please wear slacks. Just because employees are allowed to enter in through doorways doesn’t mean visitors are. To be on the less embarrassing side of things, do as suggested. You know, I just may bring along a helmet. Don’t want my head to bang on that thang!

There is a plus waiting for one upon departure, so one can breathe easier. When one leaves, he does not have to leave the same way he entered. He (She) is escorted to glass doors where exiting is done with ease. How nice. There’s nothing like a little bit of peace of mind, you know!

- Paul J. Volkmann
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